Jul 24, 2012

Confessions

I bet many people who know me or know of me, were waiting to hear what I had to say when I made the announcement that I would be writing a few things.

Some are waiting like vultures for any morsel of information, or dirt..any little thing that can be used against me. Others are neutral and intrigued, others don't care, and others are standing by waiting to pick me up when I fall, and shine the light when mine grows dim.

A few folks posted some things about the recent debates taking place with the Chik-fil-A controversy, others are posting about Obama's position, all of it surrounding the issue of gay marriage, and for me personally about homosexuality.

But before I go there - I want to say that I fit into almost every category of "Sinner" as we have been taught, at one time or another. I have lied, cheated, stolen, manipulated others, condemned and judged, ridiculed and criticized. I have been quick to anger and slow to forgive, I have wished someone was dead, I have had numerous addictions of one type or another, I have worshipped other gods, I have coveted, I have committed sexual sins, I have lusted, I have probably done everything that the Bible talks about with the exception of murder (although I know there have been times I probably could have killed someone) and I have committed homosexual acts. I state acts because thats where it started. For these things and these reasons I am no better than anyone else and I am in no position to judge the actions, deeds or thoughts of another.

So as I begin to write, remove yourself from these categories if you choose to read - and if you can't remove yourself then don't read, because the fact that these things are a part of your life, if they are, will condemn you of their own merit, not me. I am not here to condemn nor was Jesus.. He came that we might have life and not just life, but abundant life.

I refer you back to my post that asks the question "Who Are You"... We so often identify ourselves by the job we keep or the position we hold in our families, mother, brother, father, sister... We also identify ourselves by our talents: artist, singer, musician, football player, ballet dancer and so on. We identify ourselves by our geneology: english, italian, american, asian, german, etc. Many times when we don't hold one of these positions, when we are unemployed or when separation and divorce takes place, and especially when we lose someone we love... our identities get messed up. This is especially true when we lose our jobs - sometimes we have an identity crisis... and why is that? Because the things and conditions we usually identify ourselves with are those of a temporal state. We wear many hats throughout our lifetime, but we fail so often to identify with something eternal that transcends that promotion or lay off, that transcends the marriage and death of a loved one. I bring this back up to say I DO NOT identify with being GAY...because I know its not WHO I AM. It may be something I have done, but it doesn't define me. So as I begin to speak about this topic for my own benefit and perhaps that of others, I speak about it as something separate from WHO I AM. I am more than my accomplishments or my shortcomings, I am more than what I know and what I don't.

Keep in mind also this is MY truth, not yours. If you get something from this so be it, but My truth is not up for YOUR debate. I won't go there.

I will reiterate that I do believe what we know as the Bible. I believe everything in it, is True. How I interpret it all and how I apply it or don't to my own life and my world, will certainly vary from yours, and certainly others who make no reference to its pages for guidance. With that said, there is no foundation available for debate of this issue. We will agree to disagree, if that is the case. If you have issue with what I say and believe, I am sorry, take it up with the God of your understanding. I offer no apologies.

Homosexuality for me is an act. Everything else is what people have created in support of those acts. There is nothing "homosexual" about someone who takes an interest in growing beautiful plants, or learning to play a musical instrument, or writing poetry. There is nothing "homosexual" about hobbies or careers that would otherwise be more common to the opposite sex. Thats my perception thats the point I see from.

I have struggled with this issue for most of my life. It has brought me nothing but short lived pleasures, confusion, anger, resentment, bitterness and an aching pain that I don't want anymore. Its ran its course sort of speak and I fear for my eternal soul, literally.

For me, this is not what God intended for my life. Even if we took God out of the equation - the joining of two people of the same sex - produces no life. END OF STORY. There is no argument there. Granted modern technology will allow us to grow babies in test tubes, etc. But in order to pro-create a man and a woman are required at some point in the process. So even in the midst of the confusion I have endured and the unending need to reconcile things in my heart, this fact alone tells me I was NOT created to be with another man. God doesn't create mistakes, or make them but man does all the time.

Why was this a part of my life all this time? I don't know really. But I can tell you what I think. I think every child needs a strong mother and father figure. Without one or the other, I think (at least for me)there is a tendency to seek that out and in so doing, some things can get a bit mixed up. Other factors include early childhood experiences. Forbidden pleasures if you will... They leave a mark and for me homosexuality is a result of an absence of things and an association of others. I will never ever believe the stance that many people take and Lady GaGa belts out, that "I was born this way". I was not born this way. I am a product of the culture, the society, the family life and influences I have experienced. And the decisions I have made consciously and not so consciously.

Its a hot topic today and one that I will not get into for my own personal sanity. I do believe that marriage as defined by God (even if marriage was prior to Christianity as we have been taught) and I believe this because God intended for creation to procreate and you simply can't do that with two men or two women. YES, I believe God loves everyone even homosexuals. This also includes rapists, murderers, child molesters, theives, drug addicts, whores, and the list goes on. He absolutely loves everyone but He hates sin. He hates sin (at least from what I can gather) because it separates us from Him...and thats the last thing He wants.

I have been through this before. Its a thorn that never escapes me. I know I am capable of having a relationship with a woman. But I never did for fear that I wouldn't be faithful. Its all quite complicated and I guess the biggest reason I bring this up. Is because I know in my heart, in my soul, I need to repent and I need to trust God to deliver me from temptation, to give me strength when I have none. And I write about this to "confess my sins" to empty myself of these burdens trusting that God will fill me back up with good things, with knowledge, strength, revelation. Because I honestly believe we are facing a critical time in the history of the world. Thats MY belief and if you don't believe that, fine, move on. But don't come back and ridicule me, or heckle me ok?

This isn't a big deal to me... to share this information, most who know me, knew or know or thought. This isn't the Jerry Springer tell all show, so please, please, please keep your comments to yourself. I honestly don't need the "great job" pat on the back Tim from one side of the group, or the smart remarks and condescending comments from the other side.

This like all my posts is my effort to start anew, share what I know to be true, and if someone gets something from it, great - if you don't then move on and forget it. Its as simple as that.

These things and much of what I am sharing and willl share in the months to come have a connection to an earlier post regarding the purging and division that is taking and will continue to take place. I will repost the original one from March here:

Just sharing a snippet of something I communicated today (3/22/12) with a friend:

I can assure you the foundations of this earth are being shaken up and will continue. I firmly believe we are in that time frame that many thought would never come, or never affect them - I firmly believe that we are in the period of tribulation and its time for people to decide what it is they believe in and move toward it... period. no matter if it is good or bad, black or white - the days of being on the fence undecided, unconcerned, are about to end. The complacent mindset and attitudes will be shaken to such a degree that people will be divided - starkly divided and the veil of delusion will come off their faces and they will no longer seek refuge in their religion or rebellion. They will face a truth they never comprehended

The important part of the post above is "getting off the fence". This theme has been ongoing for a number of years for me and has been reiterated and highlighted more and more in the past several months, weeks, and days.

One of the biggest points of debate and disagreement comes from the "lukewarmness" of people and doctrine. This goes for non-believers and believers alike. This applies to everyone gay, straight, black, white, rich or poor. So many people choose to believe or subscribe to portions of the scripture while throwing out the rest because they don't like it or it doesn't allow them to keep living the selfish life they want, it doesn't nurture their addiction or support an aliean ideal or belief. This is kind of like church you know? Usually if someone doesn't like what they hear or how they are suppose to dress, or how much they are suppose to tithe.. they just move to another church. I choose to believe all of the scripture and if there are sections that say some of the things I do is sinful and an abomnination in the eyes of God, then I accept that and that is why I have a repentant heart and pray for it every day. I am in no position to tell God what areas of my life he can and can't have an opinion or say about. He created me. Who I am to betray that fact?

So let me believe what I will, and let me struggle in my own journey - I don't need you telling me how I should or shouldn't think or how I should or shouldn't live... God is doing a fantastic job of that and I promise you, the road is straight and narrow.

Likewise, I am not here to tell you how you should live yours, you can only discern that for yourself and seek God (if you so choose, yourself). I am more than willing to give up any earthly pleasure for the eternal life I know exists, not believe, but know. I know for a fact that this body will come to its end one day, and I know for a fact (again relevant to MY truth, not yours) that there is a life beyond this one that isn't dependent upon this flesh and bone. I know for a fact that I am more than what you see, or that I see when I look into a mirror. And when that day comes, when I take my last breath and pass from this world into the next, I want it to be with the God that I have come to know and love. That is why I am making a conscious choice to go through this transformation that I trust God will complete. Whatever it takes, I am willing to give up any and everything and I mean that... nothing or no one is excluded. I know for a fact I will be persecuted for what I believe, and it doesn't bother me. I trust in Him. I have been rejected on every level in every possible way, and that doesn't bother me either - I just don't want to be rejected by Him. I am willing to endure the persecution, the ridicule, the rejection from friends, family, anyone...and I am willing to die for Him. Whatever the cost, I will gladly surrender all to be with God for eternity. I've already been there once (read the near death experience posts) if interested. Its the only place I want to return.

I don't have all the answers, in fact I have very few, but I know what my heart tells me what the near death experience has taught me, the visions, the dreams, and what God Himself has shown me. Again these are all my truths not yours (the reader) you have to find your own if you are seeking.

And I will leave this post like many of the others. If you believe in God, no matter what you have heard others say, or how much you have been condemned by others, He has the answers and He accepts you just as you are.. really. But none of that matters if you don't seek Him. You don't have to go to a church, you don't even have to go to the bible (i.e no need to wait).. you can call on Him with an honest and sincere desire to connect with Him and I promise you just as He does, that He will answer, He will respond to you. His love for us goes beyond any comprehension we might have of Love. It's undescribable, unending, permeating, powerful and perpetuating. His love truly knows no bounds.

Maybe I will expand on this post later, because there is much I have not included here, but it covers the basics. It is my hope and desire to be a better human being every day, but more importantly to become what God desires me to be. To be transparent so that His love is evidenced by the things I do and say, that my thoughts are always on Him and focused on His will for my life and this world.

No comments:

Post a Comment