Jul 30, 2007

Freedom

I recently was very close to purchasing a new vehicle. My current car has over 102k miles, it needs a few minor repairs(at least I hope they are minor) and it rides great, etc. I was about to fall into that trap we all do from time to time, some more than others, of immediate gratification. But the voice within kept saying, "be in debt to no man"... why... because debt makes you a slave, your master becomes someone else. Granted I am in debt with my mortgage some credit cards and few other small things here and there. I know hundreds more in great debt than myself....but still debt is debt no matter how great or small.

I only test drove one car... which was smart. I never got emotionally attached to anything. I always called ahead, gave my info and asked the salesman to go ahead and run a credit check. I wanted to know what the deal was before it was attached (as well as me) to any particular vehicle. Smart move...

When I drove the one I was interested in the most, I was convinced at 13mpg this was not the car for me. Rather, it was a 2006 Grand Jeep Cherokee, 4WD and very nice. I didn't haggle or make small talk long, and walked away.

Walking away, was liberating!!! I could have been indebted for 5 or more years within a matter of minutes... but instead I am 12 months away from being car payment free (provided my car continues to run).

With that decision not to buy, I alleviated stress, reduced the necessity to make more money, work longer hours, or a combination of a thousand things that result in the pressure and obligation that debt brings. I maintained and even increased the level of freedom I currently have... I maintained and increased the level of peace I have....and more importantly I reinforced this type of decision making, by creating strength for the next 'crossroad' if you will.

Freedom is not about the freedom to get into debt. Its about being unattached to things through debt, through ties. And in some sense, freedom is just a word......like going and coming, if you walk out of something, you must be walking into something else. If you are being freed by one thing, you are becoming captive by another.

I am a little more free today than I was yesterday.

But also a little more captive, at least to Best Buy - where I decided to purchase and have installed, a new stereo system for the 102k mile car. A big difference between the couple of hundred I pay for the stereo versus the 25k or so I was about committ to on a new car.

Jul 26, 2007

When the Fat Lady Sings

When its all done and said, when the curtain is called and the fat lady sings -what does it come down to?

I decided to write something else tonight (early A.M.) I'm not completely sure where its going, but I need to get this frustration, anger and anything else out. The older I get the less patience I have and the more disgust I have for the world I find myself in. Lately, I have been thinking more about the time when I leave this earth to exist elsewhere. Maybe thats what everyone does when they reach my age.... soon 37. With last year's diagnosis of diabetes and all that has come with it, and a few problems here and there, it brings the reality of death into focus. I think its a good thing. It reminds me of a song, "Refiner's Fire"... and how gold is purified... or a message an older friend spoke about years ago .. "The Cream Rises to the Top"... I think thats what happens when we truly face the fact that these bodies were not designed to last forever, especially in today's environment, genetically modified food, and preservatives.

I never feared death, but was more intrigued by it. Granted I have a different perspective on death than most, thanks to the NDE. But I've had a reality check, the heat was turned up and some things on my "to do" list simply lost their position - maybe I will do them, maybe not. Its not important anymore. I watched a few minutes of Oprah and clips from her talk radio show, she was speaking about trials. Trials help us know who we are, what we're made of, what makes us tick. I've had my share - possibly have met my lifetime quota, it takes alot to shake me these days.

An old friend has cancer. We have talked a few times, but we haven't maintained any sort of a friendship over the past few years for many reasons - he just completed chemo and well, frankly I am not sure how he is doing. I need to visit and will, but waiting on his call back. The visit will complete a circle for us both. No hard feelings or anything, we just were at different points in our lives and so a friendship was not maintained. However, there was enough substance there to continue to speak every once in while.

The person I use to think of as the "one and only" seems happy, complete and fulfilled. I realized the other day, the "one and only" no longer exists, just a memory and this person, is just that, a person, whom I love that symbolizes something greater that we all have within us....Love itself... and God is Love.

The person that I have many dinners with and talk to often, at least every other day or so, potentially has a solid new relationship with someone. It's time and I think it will work out. I can see part of my purpose here being fulfilled, its good.

So what else.. I'm needing a change. Something unexpected. I am feeling like I do from time to time.... which is the urge to pick up move away, change my numbers, hit the road and start again somewhere else. But I can't see it happening. I don't have the energy for it. I've settled in. There is something liberating about change, adventuresome, makes you feel alive. I don't like getting comfortable as I once did.. it means I get attached to places, things, and habits. I don't want that.

It's late, and not much substance to this post. Just my thoughts finding their way through my fingertips onto the keyboard and ultimately in front of anyone willing to read it.

So there - I'm done... at least for now.

Lindsay Lohan vs Tammy Faye

Ever had one of those days when you just want to say to the world "I'm done"... I think I had one today. One of my better and possibly worse qualities is that I tend to think and think alot. Thinking alot opens the door for even more analyzing. Most days its a good thing, some days its bad.

I am so freaking tired of seeing and hearing about Lindsay Lohan's most recent arrest, but I am even more sick of the media for airing it. Who really give's a rat's ass? Apparently the majority of the population because they tune in to it like buzzards to road kill. It's so disgusting to think that we give more airtime to air dirty laundry and make a spectacle out of someone's addiction and obviously deeper issues, than we do something decent and worthy of the 6 o'clock news.

I decided to look at the interview of Tammy Faye Messener with Larry King on Youtube instead.... it was sad, heartbreaking. I lost my own mother to cancer in 1998, and the image of Tammy Faye's 65 pound body and hearing her struggle to speak brought back many memories. Now there is something (although tough at times) is a little more in line. I woman who overcame, and still held her head high even to the very end. She was honest, humbled, and she believed in something greater than herself and was true to that belief right down to her last breath. What does anyone believe in these days?

I mean really "world at large" do you honestly think after a long days work dealing with all the stresses that come along with it, that I want to come home and see and hear some of the crap that is being force fed to us on the tube?

And I can't begin to tell how many spam emails I have received over the past few weeks that want me to contact someone in another country because they want to give me millions of US Dollars, transferring it from their bank to mine. Does anyone else get these? I think the mastermind behind it has a quota to meet, along with the guy who keeps sending me emails about my compromised account at XYZ Bank (of which I don't have accounts with).... its ridiculous.

Interesting what a few hours can change in our perceptions, our mood, etc.

I'm tired, I'm weary, so often I am reminded that this world is not my home. There is such a growing contrast with what I find inside as compared to what I see on the outside.

Jul 24, 2007

How Can I Keep From Singing?

I haven't had much to say lately and tonight isn't any different. However, I do want to say something but lack the words - so I will share what is on my mind through the lyrics of one of my favorite songs. This is "How Can I Keep From Singing" by Enya.

My life goes on in endless song above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn that hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife I hear its music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul. How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars, I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inner most calm, while to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earthhow can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble in their fear and hear their death knell ringing,
when friends rejoice both far and near how can I keep from singing?

In prison cell and dungeon vile our thoughts to them are winging,
when friends by shame are undefiled
how can I keep from singing?

Jul 11, 2007

Celebration

I was staying up way to late tonight to make a cd for a friend, who's falling love.... to celebrate.

"Be With You" the remix by Enrique Iglesias came up, I played it... I got the biggest rush, electric goose pimples, closed my eyes and went back a few years... what a trip. Such great memories. I can still smell the cool air rushing by me in the clubs, the lights and vibration of the music coursing through my body.....that warm, overwhelming feeling of being absolutely and totally in love, not just with someone, but with life.... the latter has stayed with me. But none of it ever goes away.

It's exhilirating. Like jumping on a rocket and being catapulted out into the universe at the speed of light and never slowing down.

I am so thankful, so grateful, so humbled that something this great and powerful lives within me. I can't imagine life without it.

Jul 3, 2007

"Baby Give It Up".....

Tuesday afternoon, Tiffany is having her nails done and I have a burst of energy knowing I am off tomorrow for the July 4th holiday. So....we decide to have a late dinner. Good conversation, good company.... then as we are about to leave I hear the faint, familiar upbeat tune. Its hard to hear over the many conversations, clanging of dishes, the traffic.... but I stop on the way out just to listen until I recognize it. Ahhhhhh.... KC & the Sunshine Band!!! "Everybody wants you, everbody wants your love, I'd just like to make you mine all mine.... na, na, na, na, now... Baby give it up!" I love this song! It makes you want to dance. Its happy. I can see myself listening to it over and over (already have) on the way to work and on the way home. I can see myself stopped in traffic with the windows down, playing it loud it enough so others can hear a little..... Simple pleasures..... they're great. If you haven't heard it, go to iTunes or Napster and find it, you gotta listen, its great and will get you mov'in. It reminds me of when I use to go up to DC and dance for what seemed to be non-stop for 12-14 hrs. They would play a remix of this song every once in a while....this song along with an instrumental version of "I'll be your Bodyguard" that was a bit faster and remixed. There were two of the most beautiful Asian girls who would always dance. I would always stop so I could focus soley on watching them... what a blast. Every once in while I'd dance with them. I was in another world, with the strobe lights and their beautiful, black silky hair, smooth skin and bright eyes..... they were always dressed in black and danced really well. They were always on the dance floor when the "happy songs" were playing. I can't recall a more exciting time, getting lost in the music, completely and utterly lost, lifted so high up and care free. Awesome times. It was pure Joy! So is "Baby Give it Up" ........ give it a listen and turn your speakers up!!!!!!!!