Jul 26, 2007

When the Fat Lady Sings

When its all done and said, when the curtain is called and the fat lady sings -what does it come down to?

I decided to write something else tonight (early A.M.) I'm not completely sure where its going, but I need to get this frustration, anger and anything else out. The older I get the less patience I have and the more disgust I have for the world I find myself in. Lately, I have been thinking more about the time when I leave this earth to exist elsewhere. Maybe thats what everyone does when they reach my age.... soon 37. With last year's diagnosis of diabetes and all that has come with it, and a few problems here and there, it brings the reality of death into focus. I think its a good thing. It reminds me of a song, "Refiner's Fire"... and how gold is purified... or a message an older friend spoke about years ago .. "The Cream Rises to the Top"... I think thats what happens when we truly face the fact that these bodies were not designed to last forever, especially in today's environment, genetically modified food, and preservatives.

I never feared death, but was more intrigued by it. Granted I have a different perspective on death than most, thanks to the NDE. But I've had a reality check, the heat was turned up and some things on my "to do" list simply lost their position - maybe I will do them, maybe not. Its not important anymore. I watched a few minutes of Oprah and clips from her talk radio show, she was speaking about trials. Trials help us know who we are, what we're made of, what makes us tick. I've had my share - possibly have met my lifetime quota, it takes alot to shake me these days.

An old friend has cancer. We have talked a few times, but we haven't maintained any sort of a friendship over the past few years for many reasons - he just completed chemo and well, frankly I am not sure how he is doing. I need to visit and will, but waiting on his call back. The visit will complete a circle for us both. No hard feelings or anything, we just were at different points in our lives and so a friendship was not maintained. However, there was enough substance there to continue to speak every once in while.

The person I use to think of as the "one and only" seems happy, complete and fulfilled. I realized the other day, the "one and only" no longer exists, just a memory and this person, is just that, a person, whom I love that symbolizes something greater that we all have within us....Love itself... and God is Love.

The person that I have many dinners with and talk to often, at least every other day or so, potentially has a solid new relationship with someone. It's time and I think it will work out. I can see part of my purpose here being fulfilled, its good.

So what else.. I'm needing a change. Something unexpected. I am feeling like I do from time to time.... which is the urge to pick up move away, change my numbers, hit the road and start again somewhere else. But I can't see it happening. I don't have the energy for it. I've settled in. There is something liberating about change, adventuresome, makes you feel alive. I don't like getting comfortable as I once did.. it means I get attached to places, things, and habits. I don't want that.

It's late, and not much substance to this post. Just my thoughts finding their way through my fingertips onto the keyboard and ultimately in front of anyone willing to read it.

So there - I'm done... at least for now.

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