Today - was the day to have the cardiac cath. I anticipated I would have some blockages that could possibly be corrected with stents. I also anticipate another possible outcome, and that being that I had no blockages and we would work on finding out where the symptoms of chest pain might be coming from - in my mind, reflux disease or something along those lines.
What I didn't anticipate was a third possible outcome. That being I had blockages and the recommendation for open heart surgery.
Wow, what a bit of a shock. Its still sinking in. I have at least three blockages one being the LAD - you'll have to look it up. But due to the nature of the blockages, the fact I am diabetic and the fact that I have naturally narrow arteries - stents would not really resolve the issue and if they did it would only be for so long and bypass surgery would be needed at some point anyway.
The reality of your own mortality hits you square in the face when you hear about this news. When I have heard about other people having this surgery - I have been disconnected from it because I didn't quite grasp the magnitude of it, the risks involved and the reality that so many things could go wrong. I understand its a common procedure and plenty of people in the world undergo some variation of it everyday and they go on to live healthy and even vigorous lives as a result. Much better than they were before in many ways.
But yet, it is an overwhelming idea to think about my breast bone being cut in half, my chest opened up, to be placed on a heart and lung bypass machine, to be in an intensive care unit with all kinds of tubes and contraptions including a chest tube, a catheter and who knows what else. Its overwhelming to think of the pain that I might endure as a result and the recovery period that will follow. Then to compound the issue that I am a diabetic and prone to infection.
I am reminded of the many conversations I have had with God, sometimes one sided because I refused to hear, or at other times because the "reasoning" in my own mind, drowned out His still small voice. Often times throughout my life I have realized one grand supreme truth... In Him are all things. If I have Him then I have all I need in this life or the one to come.
Speaking of the heart literally and figuratively, I know mine at best is wicked and vile. Sure the way I live my life and try to live my life has more often than not been outwardly kind and loving. But just like so many, there are plenty of times that has not been the case. I suppose I am like most I have good days and bad. Sometimes I am not slow to anger and quick to pass judgment. I have often prayed to God, to give me a new heart, one that mirrors His own. One that is loving and kind, compassionate and forgiving. I have prayed that He circumcise my heart removing all that would seek to exalt itself above Him and the knowledge of Him. Its not an easy process.
Many times I have prayed in desperation for freedom, for liberation, from confusion and doubt... to be as He would have me be, live as He would have me live and to have a heart solely focused on Him, and what He has called me to do in this world, even when I wasn't clear exactly what that was. I have given Him my will in many cases, because I knew and know my will wasn't strong enough to withstand the many challenges I face on a day to day basis to live according to His ways and His word. Sometimes thats the easy way out... its a difficult process to conform our will to His, even knowing exactly what that is at times.
This news today, the reality of what I am going to be facing in a few short weeks... is nothing compared to what so many others are enduring or facing moment by moment. But for now this is my reality and I want to share with anyone willing to read, this journey because I am anticipating it will be a great opportunity to again share my faith, my hope and my love for God in the best way I know how because at the end of the day, when its all said in done, the most important aspect of my life, the one thing that is most important to me for the world around me to know - is that God is real, He is alive and He has been and will continue to be my source for comfort and peace, for knowledge and wisdom and my deepest prayer for me and for those around me right now - is just that. I am so fortunate and so honored to be able to call the One True Living God, my God, my Savior, my friend, the lover of my soul, the Great I Am, the First and the Last, Alpha and Omega, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is the Way the Truth and the Life, and in Him I have my being! Nothing can or ever will change that, no matter what trouble I am facing, no matter any challenge or obstacle. He is my all in all!