Its a new year and like so many there is a desire to change a few things, get organized stop a few bad habits but more than anything I want to live the way God really wants me to live. I recently was hospitalized with chest pain - it was a little scary, but debilitating. It was an ordeal and nothing was actually done to figure out what the problem was. So I flew back to the town I am working in with hopes of following up and getting a cardiac cath scheduled. It was scheduled today. The doctors tend to think I have a blockage or perhaps a few - or it could be that I reflux..either way something has to give and I am happy to go get it checked out this coming week. But with that said, the older I get the more I realize how much I have taken for granted and not taken care of my body in the way it should be taken care of... it will take its toll.
The thoughts have entered my mind, what if something goes wrong, what if they find something that will leave me debilitated, unable to work like I am accustomed to working. God reminded me of something I have said to Him many times... "Lord if I have you, I have everything." And if it took stopping me in my tracks, down on my knees, face down on the ground... to get my attention or to give me a greater revelation of you and what you want to do with this life... then I am all for it.. and I really am. Perhaps this is a test. I have so many things to reconcile, to undo, or redo..
With that said, I have no fear of death - surely I don't want to suffer any pain nor would I want anyone in my family to be burdened with all the material things that would have to be attended to if something were to happen to me.. but I know where I am going when I leave this world. I have no fear of that. I just want whatever time I have left here in this life, to be lived better, for Him, to really do what I say I want to do, for Him. The trouble lies with my mind, my flesh... learning how not to lean into my own understanding, my own strength or reasoning... its a natural reaction a natural way of life. I really want to live a supernatural way of life. To have the kind of faith and love for God that would allow me to walk away from all I own, or desire and truly place Him first. To have such an intimate and growing relationship with the Great I Am...to know Him more, to live more as He would have me live, that He would be revealed more through my life to others....because to know Him is to love Him!
I just want more of you God, because I don't have the strength to withstand this world some times and I get caught up in it, in my own thoughts and flesh... and I fail miserably. I just want more of God and if it takes the sacrifice of this life to get to you, then so be it. But if you have something in store for me for others, then heal this body and teach me to delight in ALL your ways. Cause my heart to desire you so much that nothing would be placed before you. That you would truly be my King because I choose you every day, every hour, every moment and in every breath I take.