I tell you there must be a time in every sinner's life, where the rubber really does meet the road, and I think I am getting there... Lord Help Me!
I struggle with myself, my own intellect, my own selfish desires and carnal pleasures and while I have to give God the glory for making those times fewer and farther between somehow I still manage to travel down that road and find myself committing sin against the One who died for me, the one who gave His life for me... how can this be... how can I do that.
I am wretched and my heart is evil, and I pray and pray that He continue to circumcise it, and give me a new one, His own.
I have been so convicted of sin tonight, that I literally thought I would vomit. I can't comprehend being so close to Him at times and so addicted to His word, and His presence - to get so far away in just a few hours. The enemy certainly comes to kill, steal and destroy.
I need to study more and pray for revelation and a breakthrough because I know it exists. I trust in Him, but I dare not trust in myself or my own evil heart.
God please please just do whatever it takes to seal me in You, to once and for all make me into what it is You desire. I don't want this anymore, I don't want to sin against you or be separated from you not even for a second.
I shutter in fear sometimes, because I have willfully sinned - I can't comprehend how I can do it, but then again that is my intellect - and He warns us. I know the battle starts in the mind - but how can I entertain thoughts and allow them to mature in order to be acted out in the flesh... how can I do this to you Lord?
I don't know what else to pray Father, I have no words no formula no equation, I have nothing, but surrender (and sometimes not even that) ... strengthen me God, strengthen me that my will be conformed to yours totally and eternally. That no weapon formed against me shall prosper!!!
All who read, please pray, seriously please pray on my behalf - I can't convey it any other way, except that I want to be totally and completely, utterly His - that every single thought, action and word would be His own, that He would live totally through me at any cost, and I mean any. I trust in Him and I trust in His ways and no matter what comes, I will count it all Joy if it means that He and His life is evident through my own, that His will be performed and His kingdom expanded. Thats all I want...