I am not really sure how this post will go, but I am over a month out past the triple bypass surgery and tomorrow I head back to work. I am very thankful for a better than normal recovery and the energy I have. I still have a ways to go and there are many days I don't have alot of energy. The scars are healing and the sensitivity in certain places, like my left arm and leg are getting better.
On a different note, I remember the nurse that came in to see me prior to surgery telling me that 99% of the patients who have this surgery (CABG/Triple Bypass) go through depression. While I can't say I feel depressed I can tell you my heart (figuratively) is tender. It's easy for my eyes to well up with tears some days for a million different reasons.
I have had so many people offer their prayers, their time, their love, kindness, gifts of food, and so many other things I can't begin to mention them all. This is especially true of my dad and stepmom, Brenda. Not to mention so many others, so many special friends - you know who you are. Its a humbling thing, and I am so very thankful for each of you!
Emotionally, its not been that bad, but as I head back into this reality, the thing we all in some form or another call "life"... I realize its not really life at all. To see so many people going to and fro, with so many busy schedules. Consuming their time, as they consume what the world has put before them. Myself included. Its so difficult to be free of the rat race... as we hear it sometimes called. I look around me and see what I consider a big house for just one person, with all the things that fill it up and they have no value... but yet I am conditioned to be distracted with getting the deck refinished, repairing this thing or that. I have to make sure my schedule is lined up, all my bills are paid, the fish and cats are fed, prescriptions filled, insurance paid... and the list goes on and on and on.
Then I hear some of the songs I have posted on this blog recently, especially one in particular "Through It All".. and I can't help but tear up.
Then I take a drive out to run an errand and I see people on the go, everywhere to go by this or that, to run errands, and it all makes me sad in some way. I can't explain it.
I feel myself wanting to pursue growing a business somehow or any endeavor really.. but yet another growing part of me, simply wants to be free from "the rat race"... I am burdened by this reality and another one that I want more of.... and when I have processed all these things in my mind to the point I can't anymore I break down in tears -- thinking to myself I was on the verge of a fatal heart attack and I have wasted so much of my life, so much. So much of my time, and the things I have given thought to... forgive me God, forgive me! I don't want the things of this world, the ideals, the things I have coveted... I don't want that farm in the mountains, or that little house on a plot of land somewhere... I really don't want all those things. What I find that I want more than anything now... is You Lord! Its YOU. Just YOU, you are all I really want and all I really need.
I wish I had the faith and the wisdom to walk away from it all somehow. I live the most simple life.. this house, the car, the things I have surrounded myself with are burdens and they have made me a slave.. forgive me Father, forgive me!
I really want nothing of this world, but yet I am attached to so much of it. The fact that I even exist in this body binds me to some degree. I know this is just the way it is...
Things seem to have lost their value, being "successful" doesn't have the same meaning anymore, and while I have known this for some time, my mind is so conditioned to pursue it, whatever that looks like.
So much feels like it needs to change, but I am not completely sure how to go about it. God grant me more than anything, more than anything I have ever prayed... grant me the desire and the wisdom to pursue you with my whole heart, help me to rid my life of all the distractions and the obligations so that I might be free to worship you in truth and spirit. Empower me to be a light to others, to be transparent that you might live through me, yielded and hidden in you. Grow my desire to spend my time wisely, seeking your face and listening for your voice, to be drawn to your presence more and more - because I am realizing more than ever thats all that matters. Help me, help me become what it is you have desired even if I don't fully understand what that is or means.
I know the times we live in and I know in my heart that your return isn't far off. Perform a quick work in me, that I might regain all that the enemy has stolen but only for your glory... much of which I have freely given, forgive me Father, forgive me! I want so much to make YOU my everything, my every thought, my every breath... I know you're sovereign, I know you have my best interests in mind, you love me and your mercy and grace is beyond my comprehension - but quicken everything in me to know YOU more to seek YOU in all things. To put you before all things. When my eyes open in the morning bless me with your presence, that I might have you first in my thoughts and throughout the day.
I just want to be with YOU, that is the cry of my heart today and so many days lately. I just want to be with YOU God. To see YOU, to feel your presence, to hear your voice and to be embraced by you. To be reconciled back to you! I just want to please you and some days that isn't easy to do - cleanse me and make me whole, sanctify and restore me to what you have always wanted me to be.