I am a little upset today, angered, frustrated, perplexed - somewhat pissed off. No that doesn't sound like the joyful Jesus follower, that I indirectly and directly profess to be, but this life, any life, is not always sunshine and skippidy do dah days.
Let me explain. Tonight as I worked on a few things, with the TV going - I begin to hear, see and sense a theme of sorts. I don't keep up much with politics or even what the day's news is most often, but I typically catch up a few days later. Most of what is reported on the top news media venue's really doesn't concern me literally or figuratively. But the theme was gay marriage. So I listened a little here and there and it started to get my attention more. First there was a clip of an upcoming show that has something to do with boyscouts and the scene showed a guy introducing his life partner, another male, to the young boys in the troop. Another channel was from a day time soap opera showing a lady discussing with a man her desire for her gay son to find another good guy and get married. Katie Couric caught more of my attention with several guests, expert psychologists, a lesbian couple with their two daughters, a father turned author with his gay son who attempted to commit suicide at 13.
One of the lesbian guests stated once while being interviewed by Katie Couric "We should have the right to choose who we love"... The young man who attempted suicide when being asked when he knew he was gay said he found the wikipedia article on homosexuality and the bottomline was that "he liked sparkly things", and that being with a girl didn't make sense and so he decided after reading the wikipedia article that he was gay.
We don't know what to do with "different" so we call it this or that. As toddlers grow up and they aren't immediately drawn to the traditional masculine or feminine things, we label it as being gay. Or we label it as this or that, we categorize different into something we are familiar with or something we fear. Something we judge or ridicule. We actually start planting seeds when we do this, good or bad. I was always told I looked like a little girl when I was small, because my mom let my hair grow out and it was curly. My cousin even dressed me up in one of her life size dolls clothes and a picture was taken of me but that picture survived years only to haunt me a little as I grew older. I learned to despise compliments, and hated it when someone pinched my cheeks or mistook me for a little girl. I remember one lady in church pinching my cheeks and calling me cute, and if I recall correctly, when she was done, I told my mom I was going to kick her if she ever did it again. I always shy away from the "spotlight" of any kind. In fact I purposefully requested no birthday parties or surprise this or that. I didn't like the attention. Granted some of it was nice, but for the most part I hated it.
My personal story: I was on many levels (from my perspective) rejected by the potential male role models in my life. My brother and my dad. I know if they read this they may be hurt by this, and I am sorry for that. But this article isn't meant to hurt them or make me feel better. The result of this rejection was a natural desire to be drawn to other male figures/friends because that kind of normal loving nurturing relationship didn't exist in my life. I had plenty of that from my mom. But because I was different and because they didn't know what to do with different, I suppose on some level I was rejected. Surely, they tried to include me traditional male things like going hunting, fishing, etc. But it just wasn't my cup of tea. I mean really in my mind, who would knowingly want to kill an innocent animal for no other reason than to kill it? It was the stupidest thing I could think of doing, not to mention sitting up in a deer stand for hours on end, in the cold, being as silent as possible and not moving... come on?
As a kid I loved growing things. I was more intrigued with how the process played out and the end result. Granted the beauty that it all ended with was great, but I was just as intrigued with planting a seed and checking it almost hourly as a kid to see the miracle of life emerge from the soil. I was and still to this day amazed at how something so big and beautiful could come from a tiny seed. But this affection for gardening and growing things, was not the traditional masculine activities that are expected from most little boys. I was often ridiculed by others, including my own family, for being articulate, for being concerned about things that most others were not, like the way things were arranged in my room, the way I wrote. When we are different, because we don't easily fit in more often than not we are rejected. Maybe not on purpose, but when someone says something against what you do and what you like, how you talk or walk, speak or write...you get labeled. Most of the time its to discourage it, sometimes its a good thing, but most days it isn't. As a result, we are told lies... for example in a response to growing beautiful plants or flowers: 'Tim that is gay".. "you are gay"...before I even knew what gay was, or back in those days the word may have been "queer" or "fag"... perhaps worse. Did this make me gay? No, but it planted a seed in me to know what gay was. So much like the kid who tried to commit suicide at 13, I researched "gay" or "homosexual" or "fag" and lo and behold like him, I thought "yes I am attracted to other boys, or guys or men" and therefore I must be gay. You see how that seed is planted, how it grows and how it matures? No I never was gay, I was different and that difference didn't fit into the stereotype. I was attracted to members of the same sex, because I didn't have a healthy, loving and supported male role model. It didn't mean I wanted to have sex, heck I didn't even know what "sex" was. I didn't even know where babies came from. My first attachment to another male was when I was in kindergarten, yes, I was 4 and 5 years old. Randy my bus driver, was like my big brother. He loved me somehow. He showed me attention, he took care of me while I was on the bus. For years I knew what the back of his head looked like from a mile away. I loved Randy. He was big enough to pick me up and talk to me, and nothing more. That was not and never could be something sexual, something I would call perverted now. But because I was different and wasn't what someone else wanted me to be, in the big or small ways... I was rejected. That rejection caused me to look for replacement relationships, much like with Randy the bus driver and that need or desire to form healthy relationships with other males continued throughout life, even through puberty. Unfortunately during that time, puberty and sexual maturity got mixed up with those normal healthy desires and basically partook of forbidden fruit. Does this make sense? Can you see why I will never say I was "born this way" and find it extremely difficult to believe that any one was? No one is born desiring sex with the same gender and that is what homosexuality is to me. But the "enemy" has called it a way of life, a lifestyle, incorporating things such as what we like to do (garden, paint, being a pianist, anything non traditional to the gender) the enemy pulls all those other things into someplace they don't belong. Just like calling a kid gay because he likes to sing, or dance.
As I grew up the one person whom I spent most of my time around was my mom or my grandmother. They are the two human beings that most impacted my life. It wasn't my choice, nor was it a conscious choice of theirs. Instead it was by default. My dad worked many jobs and many hours - my brother spent time doing what he did and when I wasn't with my mom or staying with my grandmother - I did what I liked - I'd spend hours watching animals, exploring the woods, growing plants, drawing, and writing. I think I got the desire to write from Mom.. but none of this was "gay".. it was simply who I was - influenced by the people, places and things most familiar to me. It was not "gay".
For me personally, the idea of "gay" and what "gay" has become and is defined by is a complete and fabricated lie. We tend to group people into these categories because thats what some have in common, but its what happens in the bedroom or not, but on a sexual level that defines homosexuality. Even effeminate men who are not gay are believed to be gay, but being effeminate in and of itself is NOT gay.
No kid is born knowing about sex, and being drawn to have sex with someone of the same gender. No typically what happens, is during this time of growing up and being drawn to what it is we lack in role models, or relationships - that drive and desire to be connected with someone to fill the void, gets a little mixed up when we start maturing sexually - at least thats what happened with me. I think all kids experiment even if its just in their thoughts. But once that line gets crossed and we experience pleasure - its almost like a new neural pathway is created in our brains. Without going into all the details - for me, that eventual pleasure then became associated with someone of the same sex. But physical pleasure is just that. I use to think I was suppose to be gay, because I was drawn to other males, then after experiencing sexual pleasure with a male, I associated that pleasure with males. So that convinced me thats what I was suppose to do, to be. What a lie! But I have lived that lie most of my adult life.
Some of you have read my other posts and you may understand at this point, I reject and renounce the belief that is how I am suppose to live. Because it has brought me nothing but pain and heartache and for me personally, it has led nowhere and will never lead me to what it is I always sought... a normal, healthy, non-sexual, nurturing, supportive and loving relationship with another male. Many people who read this won't be able to comprehend or understand what I am conveying here, but many will. You get it.
I have had a tremendous time reconciling what I thought was right with what I know is wrong. I don't think I really understood this until I actually fell in love, or loved another male, truthfully and honestly. A love that was not compelling or grown out of familial relationships such as with a parent and a child. A love that was truly unconditional. It was through this revelation of love, great and eternal love that I realized I was NOT gay or didn't have to be gay. Sure I had lived that way of life most of my adult years, but I realized loving someone had nothing to do with sex, nor does it have to do with a marriage contract, or government imposed regulation. Love doesn't need man or woman to recognize it, and love can't be controlled by legislation or a certificate of marriage. Love truly conquers and overcomes any and everything, always.
It was also through this revelation of love, that I really started to understand who God was, is, and will always be. Through this love of another man, I realized in part who God is. And it was this love of another man, that actually drew me into a close relationship with God. Anyone who has truly fallen in love and gotten past the lust, can attest to this. To love is to see the face of God some say. I tend to agree.
Getting back to being pissed off. So many people are fighting for the right to marry. I get it... but so many of these same people are using the statement similar to what the lesbian mother of two girls said "We should have a right to choose who we love"... another recent facebook post from someone stated: "I should have the right to love who I choose"... What pisses me off, is the fact that no one no man, no woman, no government big or small, local or federal influences or controls one's ability or right to love any one else. People who think and say that they do not have the right to choose who they love, have no clue what love is. Now if the issue is really about rights and benefits - then say that, speak it and stick to it. I have no issue with anyone being treated as an equal and I have said it from day one, if we are to treat each other as equals we should actually REMOVE the rights and benefits afforded heterosexual couples who marry. That would be the most equal thing we could do. Because otherwise, just as I have noted, the issue gets very cloudy about what LOVE IS... and what it ISN'T because people who want and perhaps need the benefits afforded traditional couples, use "love" as a platform to sway the opinions of others. Its actually worse than what you are fighting for... to say you don't have the right to choose who you love is a lie and I am so sick of it, I want to vomit.
I think the fact that our governments have involved themselves in the affairs of marriage is wrong. It promotes marriages that lack love, true love and thus is partially responsible for the divorce rates in this country. I mean how many stories have you heard of illegal aliens i.e. immigrants getting married to become citizens? Does that make the marriage right? Is it true love? Or is it just a way to get benefits? So when I hear someone gay or straight say "Shouldn't I have the right to choose who I love" or "We should be able to love who we want"... I want to vomit because you apparently don't know what love is and you treat it as some commodity that can be bartered or traded for this or that. Are you saying that you don't have the right to love another human being because your government or your neighbor doesn't recognize that love? Which is it?
Anyone who truly loves another human being knows without any doubt or reservation that love is eternal and I can tell you its eternal because it is connected and derived from the source of Love, God. God is love. When you truly love another human being, nothing can come against it, nothing can break it down, or cause it to waiver in any way, not even death. Those of you who truly love someone else, unconditionally, know exactly what I am talking about. Those that don't, I pray your day will come and when it does, you will be as close (I think) to seeing the face of God, as you will ever be in this life.
Marriage became an instrument when the government attached rights and benefits, rules and regulations. God created marriage to be between one man and one woman, and is the only union recognized by God (the God I believe in) Male and female are the only two genders that can become one flesh and procreate. Any other union is simply something else - right or wrong, I am not here to debate. Its my truth and not yours so I am not here to debate on that.
But for Love's sake, if you love someone love them and don't attach conditions upon it by stating someone else must approve it and recognize it for it to be legitimate. If we truly want equality then do it on an individual basis and not a union between anyone. Equal rights will not take place when any government recognizes this or that union, equal rights will exist when its based on the individual regardless of who they love.
Regardless of your sexual orientation, male or female, when you subject "love" to the permission or approval of another, I can assure you it is not love. Rethink how you present your cause, your agenda, your whatever but for Love's sake, for God's sake, don't pervert something as sacred and eternal as love by submitting it to the acceptance or approval of another. Its a disgrace to not only you and the ones you say you love, but to the source of love, which is God. And if it is really love that you have in your hearts and you simply want the benefits of a government who has meddled to much in the affairs of it's people, then say so, but don't pervert and prostitute this "love" out to others by making it dependent upon their rules and regulations. Say what you mean and mean what you say, otherwise you are no better than the people who are withholding the benefits and recognition you so desire.
**Just a side note, this is my opinion, my belief and my truth. If this doesn't apply to you then move on, it has no effect on you and your debate or disagreement with this post, is irrelevant.