A look back to May of 2006.
I want to go Home
May 15, 2006 Today I wish to be somewhere else..
More and more my mind and soul travel down a not so familiar path. Perhaps the catalyst appears in the morning when I see the face staring back at me in the mirror. There I see someone who has aged, gray hair and wrinkles, puffy eyes. I am growing tired.
This soul I have discovered, seems old. It is I. I am not the boy I once was, or even the young man that many others perceive.
More and more I am asking the question "Where am I". Where am I on this journey? I ponder but never come to conclusions. Because it is in my pondering, I realize, that the journey continues. Surely the time seems to stand still, but I have grown wise to understand that these are the times of change. Like a short trip on an elevator, hopefully going up. Encapsulated, standing still, while the outside world changes or is it perception?
Thats it. Perception.... like a shift in consciousness and awareness. What will I see when the door opens again? Will I step out and absorb all that is with a new vision, insight and discernment.
I am not here. I am not here I keep thinking. I act the part, play the role and sing the same song... but I am not here.
I tear up at this frustration, knowing of something greater, but not "arriving" ... the door never opens to the place my soul is singing about.
I contemplate the word "eternity" daily.
Yesterday I thought about my mom.... and her life. The supreme truth of "expression" was revealed. She was and continues to be in part the expression of something greater. Just as we all do. You and I are the expression of something greater. All that surrounds us and is and ever will be is simply and beautifully the expression of something greater. LIFE. GOD, The Divine. Even when these bodies have served their purpose and even in the stark visual of decay, these bodies take on new form and are expressed through and within something greater. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. We remain connnected.
I imagined a bright shining beam of light meeting itself to form a circle. Everything is intertwined weaving in and out of the light. This is eternity. In our moments of great pleasure of divine joy, of love and compassion, of heartache and pain, we experience the light... Eternity runs through us, and we find ourselves awake inside it sometimes.
She was beautiful. God expressed Himself through the face and voice I came to know as my mom. Through her habits and her mannerisms, they were His own.
I thought about my dad. His generosity, his kindness, his straightforwardness. Also, an expression of something greater I have come to know as my friend and indeed lover of my soul, God.
I feel so trapped sometimes... This body has limits and it seems as though those limits increase with age. I suppose to compensate, my mind is stretched and I seek out things that are mentally challenging, concepts and ideas. A sort of evolution seems to be taking place within me and I have been aware of this transformation for several years now.
How does the catepillar in its coccoon handle the anticipation? He doesn't. Does he know of whats to come? Does he understand the magnificent change that is taking place and the freedom that he will experience? Perhaps he does, but its unlikely. He has never flown before... but I have tasted the freedom.
I am not of this world, but I am in it.
I watched the thunderstorm developing just above me this evening and was captivated by its beauty. The constant change of blue and gray, pierced by sharp flashes of silvery light. And for a moment I experienced the "freedom" for a moment I found myself aware of eternity, I was Present. And being present, helped me see past this prison of flesh and bone and I realized that it was our vision or our perception that frees us or holds us captive.
Scenarios depicting someone caught between worlds. The differences between what is what was and what is to come. These are the lines of existence weaving themselves in and out of that beam of light that meets itself, eternity.
I'm crossing Jordan every day. Change is good but I want to go home......
There is a place, heaven on earth, that has called me for years. Symbolic of freedom, of being present all the time, of being as close as this life can offer, to God. It's my heart's desire.
My heaven is waiting on me, I can't imagine nothing greater than the front porch rocking chair I should hope to find myself sitting, somewhere high up in the mountains. Where the trees tower above me. Where the only sounds I hear are those expressed naturally. Where God is free to express Himself and where our vision and perception is not clouded by the pollution of the American Dream. When I feel no obligation to answer the phone, or where the laptop doesn't draw me in and consume my time. Where I can just be....and nothing more. Where my basic needs are met, and the desire of more worldly posessions become pale.
My eyes well up with tears with such longing such aching that my heart is filled with. I can't express this overwhelming desire to just be with Him. Like the anticipation of seeing someone you love you haven't seen for many many years, it seems like centuries.
The kind of porch that creaks when you walk across it. A sanctuary, not of this world but in it.
Today I want to go home.