Its been awhile since I have posted. I lose my way sometimes, I get caught up in stuff, in life, in my own selfish desires and pursuits. God please continue to forgive me. I pray again Father, that you would just draw my heart to you more and more so much so I couldn't bare to ignore the pull, your voice, your presence... How can I ? I feel so wretched and dirty at times and I find myself saying "I just want to be clean" to not have this double mind, to not have these thoughts regardless of what they are but the ones that seek to exalt themselves above you. I feel guilt for not wanting to get into the Word and be renewed, refreshed, I know thats what takes place, but my strength is so weak, my heart is so dark at times. You are so gracious to allow me to feel your presence... you show great mercy and love - and yet I still falter, I still trust at times in my own thinking, my own ideals, not even realizing at times they are apart from you... How can this be? I know your glory, I know your voice, I know your great love... Please continue to cut away all those things that cause division between us, mold me and make me into what you have always intended.
I have been afraid to pray a certain prayer, surely I have prayed it before, but maybe without the knowledge of really understanding its implications. That prayer is to be broken, yes to be broken because I think its the only way, in fact I know its the only way (as I shared with a friend recently) that your glory in me, can be revealed through me... I know thats what it takes and even though I have felt broken before, perhaps I need to be broken even more, shattered - so that You and you alone can give me a new heart, a new mind.
I honestly don't know what it means to be broken/shattered, I can only imagine the worse things, and while I have that fear, I trust in you Lord. I trust in you.
I have no idea what it really means to suffer, as compared to anything even in the smallest amounts to what you have suffered and your suffering continues each day that I sin, I add to your suffering. Forgive me Father!
Draw me closer and closer, deeper and deeper into you - so much so that I my thoughts would be yours, my heart would be yours, my eyes would see what you see, and my ears would hear what you hear. I just want to be at your feet, because I know it is when I am in your presence, that I am transformed - help me always find that place at your feet - so that I could continually be renewed, restored for your purposes alone!