I realized hearing the news that an old friend had passed away, that life is short and gets shorter by the second. I also realize that time runs out on all of us in one way or another and there is no guarantee that we will ever get a second chance at anything. I have always known that confessing the secrets we hold hostage in our lives, are often times good indicators of dysfunction, problems, broken hearts, relationships - things that just shouldn't be.
This 14 year relationship (if thats what it was) was completely mixed up. I saw in this person my best friend, the one I couldn't live without, but yet the one who never thought more of me to call me a partner a boyfriend, even a best friend. I was just someone who was always in the picture in some way or another. And I take responsibility for that as well, because I always made myself available. I would have done anything for him. He was like family to me I thought. In reality I guess I was more his friend than I was his. I don't know really sometimes, I am still left in a blur of confusion, doubt..
Imagine if someone said to you, in order for you to live you must cut off your two legs and remaining arm without anything to numb your pain and figure out how to stay alive and not bleed to death in the process. If you can accomplish that, then you can live. Would you just immediately forget it and choose death over the chance of life? Well thats what this process has been like. Only I have chosen a chance at life, true life, eternal life.
I realize this love that I have had all this time, was corrupted, filtered in a sense. But God showed me so clearly over the past few months, that this person was not my project. If you have read my earlier posts you will understand that this person is also a guy. Yes - it was a homosexual friendship/relationship (see I am still not sure what to call it)... and it was wrong. But I think God allowed it all to happen to finally once and for all make it so disgusting and painful that I would want nothing more to do with that way of life. And I don't. It reminds me of the parable of the wheat and tares.... they both have to grow up so they can be easily discerned, and when the time comes, the tares are plucked out and burned. I think God allowed all this to take place so I could see it for what it really is. The connection has been gone for some time, and our friendship basically ended up being a few phone calls here and there, and emails. God has removed so many desires, so many addictions. I am so grateful for that, so grateful.
He has consumed and is in the process of consuming all those things that seek to set themselves against Him, and the knowledge of Him. I am so thankful but it is a very painful process.
I never want this person to hurt, or to be hurt by my actions. But it was necessary to distance myself for both our sakes and unfortunately to share the truth about some things. Because the lie that lived, continued to create problems for all involved. I have to completely let go, if he is ever going to see God, then I must remove myself as an obstacle. No matter the cost to me. I know I have failed miserably in so many ways.
But today - was the day I think it all changed. Its bittersweet, more bitter than sweet. It hurts to know that he thinks I have betrayed him, just like I have been betrayed, but it doesn't make it any better, different, less painful.
We have to be willing to give up everything, and everyone in some cases and let God do what He will in the lives of others, even if they are the closest to us, the ones we love...
I know what love is, because I have come face to face with the One who is Love - and its a love I am not willing to replace, to neglect, to forfeit or ignore ever again. No matter the cost. I just hope and pray that the people in my past, my present and my future will be better able to see that love in my actions, my words, my friendship. I am no longer the person I believed I was, but I am being made new.
My hope is that God will reconcile our lives in some way if not in this life, the one to come.
Today is definitely a day of change. I stepped out of one world into one a little less known. I know He is with me and will guide me... God its all in your hands, you know my heart, you know what is best for everyone, I trust you! Please forgive me of all my sins, for any and everything that was not done in your love. And bring peace and healing to everyone that was involved in so much heartache, pain, confusion, doubt... insecurity. Restore everything that the enemy has taken and corrupted.
And continue to draw our hearts to you Father... we are nothing apart from you. Shine a light into the lives of those who I love, so they would know and understand, reveal the Truth to them, and give them the courage and strength to pursue you.