I was once in a very unholy relationship that lasted on and off for 13 years. My soul was intertwined with something and someone else that sought to destroy me. When God really opened my eyes and I began to 'see' I quickly realized I was in a prison that I had no way of escaping, my whole mind and body had been conditioned to accept so many lies. How do you escape a lie that you had built your whole life around, even the way you think? Only Jesus can do that. I didn't know it at the time and there were many, many days I prayed for death because the pain was more than I thought I could endure. I couldn't reconcile what I thought and was conditioned to think, with what I had been taught was true. Only Jesus can through His Holy Spirit! It was complicated, chaos, confusion. I begged God to end that relationship because I couldn't. And as I heard my friend Benji C. Mallory say the other day, "as sure as there is a cow in Texas", He flat out severed that relationship like lighting from heaven! But.. it was the most painful thing I have ever endured even compared with the death of my mom and best friend. Thats when He revealed the truth of this scripture to me:
Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it pierces even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow. It judges the thoughts and intentions of the heart. "
The "Word" (Logos) literally, is His Voice and when He started to really speak into my life through His Spirit within me (thats all I had at the time, meaning I had little knowledge of the written Word, i.e. the bible) I began to see and hear. That scripture above became so real and active in my life (and I didn't even know that scripture existed until years later)... but it was the most painful experience. He began to separate life and death in my mind and my body, the holy from the unholy, the light from the dark. He made sense out of stuff I couldn't even begin to explain! But I was in so much pain emotionally, my heart was breaking over and over again at the loss of that separation - although the relationship was unholy, there was a love I had for something that was a lie and even though it was a lie, my heart and mind were completely bound by it. I was in bondage. It felt like someone was ripping me apart inside. I now know He was doing exactly what this scripture tells us:
Ezekiel 36:25-27 A New Heart and Spirit …I will also sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes and to carefully observe My ordinances.…
He's still forming that heart of flesh in me. He is still molding and making me into what I was created to be and do. He is still pouring His Spirit into me. He is making me whole. He is restoring what the enemy had stolen, corrupted and perverted. He is continuing to set me free and liberate me with His truth. I could list a thousand passages and more that He made alive in my life, and literally wrote the truth of those passages on this new heart He has and is creating in me! Most of which I didn't even know existed as the written Word, so even now many years later He reveals and confirms what He has done as I study more. And each time I come across a passage that I lived experientially - His Spirit within me confirms it, thats when I know He literally writes it upon my heart. Its a truth forever and indelibly written!
He is real, alive and so beyond description, no words can convey. Try and try as I might there are no words in any language that can sum up His love for us, Its the sweetest frustration to never be able to fully explain, describe, tell you... even now I am at a loss, you just have to meet Him for yourself. I wish I could say "Come and see, Behold - the King of Kings, the Great I am, Here He is!!!, Faithful and True, wonderful Counselor and Friend! I can't... you have to seek Him for yourself. I can only tell you about Him, point you to His Word..
I started this post just thinking about the deepest and greatest desire of my heart - to be at His feet, to see Him as He is, looking forward to the day when that takes place and to have the ability to praise Him without ceasing, without tiring, without the distractions of this world. To come face to face with the One who sacrificed His life, so I could have eternal life spent with Him, my maker, the lover of my soul, the One who left the ninety-nine to find me, who rescued me and heard me cry out when I needed Him. The One who accepted me as I was, and is transforming me. My redeemer, the One who carries me when I can't stand on my own two feet.
I suppose this has turned into a bit of a testimony. I hope someone is inspired by it but not just inspired, but a catalyst to seek Him, to pray for a deeper relationship. He has shown me many dreams and visions some of which I have shared, some not but almost always they have highlighted or pointed to "relationship". Thats what matters, thats what He wants. When we are desperate, in great need and there is no where to turn, we cry out to God. Much of what has happened and is happening is a testimony of His great mercy and love for us. The trials and tribulations I have experienced brought me to Him, closer to Him. Its unfortunate that it takes that but thats often how He gets our attention, otherwise we remain distracted and deceived. I do believe more than ever our time is short.
Isaiah 55:6-7 Seek the LORD while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Let the wicked man forsake his own way and the unrighteous man his own thoughts; let him return to the LORD, that He may have compassion, and to our God, for He will freely pardon.