Today was my mom's birthday. She passed away May 29, 1998 from complications of breast cancer.
As I took my breaks today and had time to think without interruptions, I thought about you. You are always there in my mind, but you take center stage from time to time. My heart aches, sometimes moreso than others. I have contemplated so much about death and dying and what takes place afterwards since you have been gone. Today, more than any other, the new perception of death that has been developing was almost solidified in my mind.
A conclusion I have made is that I miss you. And "you"...are an expression of God. In essence I miss that expression that created You, is evidenced by you, and continues to live long past that of your body, your voice, the way your hair smelled and the way you walked. There is so much more, but the older I get the harder I find it to separate ourselves past, present and future from that which created us. I know this as our Creator, the God of my understanding. The One who knows me. Interestingly, the very first post of this blog explains my purpose in doing so... to be known. Isn't that what we all want? To be known? And just as you and I, mother and son, knew and know each other - so we loved and love each other.
Today, in the silence I was screaming out to say "You haven't been forgotten"... when all the world continues to spin (out of control lately), and when we ourselves have to be reminded of where we are and what we're suppose to be doing.... you are remembered!!! No, out of sight doesn't mean out of mind, you are loved so greatly, so deeply, so genuinely.
What is being solidified in my mind as I remember you and the anniversary of your birth? That just as I am a brother and a son, a manager, friend, a neighbor and a stranger passing someone by on the street. I am also an expression of something much greater. We are like the breath of God that permeates the atmosphere for just a time, until we are taken back in.
Birthdays... to me they are the days that God decided to express himself in the form of a human being. Uniquely different and expressive themselves, perfectly formed in their own way. Not unlike the expression of the countryside or the sunrise, such perfect beauty in all things. We are surrounded by God, a part of God, of each other. For the readers... just as you may write a poem, song, or paint a picture, you are choosing to express yourself, just as God did when you were conceived in the womb and became manifest as a child.
I find it hard to be sad these days, while my heart aches and longs to experience that expression of my mom again, I know I will experience you, the love that was so perfectly that of a mother, again. I do now.
Thank you for all the years of unconditional, undying and perfect love. Happy Birthday Mom!!!
Thank you God for expressing yourself through my mother.